Saturday, May 7, 2011

Red Writing Hood: Jealous, Much?

I decided to try my hand at The Red Dress Club's weekly writing meme. The prompt this week was "Jealousy."

Ah, jealousy. I know thee well. I'm jealous of people who can do things I would like to do better than I can. I'm jealous of people with pristine housekeeping and kids with cute braids or ponytails... or at least without ratty hair. 

But most of all, I am jealous of so many women's abilities to make babies on a whim. Or even on accident. Yes, I have a child. But since having a child doesn't prevent the desire for more (in most people, anyway,) or magically solve whatever was causing problems conceiving in the first place, I still get to be jealous. Green-eyed-pointy-horned-monster jealous. Whether I like or hate the person. If they get pregnant, ZOLT! A tiny bit of jealous hate lodges into my heart. Even if they had trouble getting pregnant too. I'm an equal opportunity hater.
photo credit
The worst time was when my husband (then fiance,) 6 months before our wedding, decided that we should postpone. Just because he was unemployed and wanted to be able to afford the fancy wedding I'd always wanted. Pshaw. No amount of "Look. I've waited eight years. I already have the dress. We can get married in a parking lot full of bums for all I care" would change his mind. I had a feeling I'd have trouble making babies, and he didn't want to get started until we were married. My priorities rapidly shifted towards procreating once I'd hit my third decade. But no. Postponed.

A week later, my youngest sister calls to tell me that she's 2-3 months pregnant. Oops. But, don't worry. They didn't want to "steal my thunder," so they won't get married. Until after. When she's either 8 months pregnant, or a new mommy. I, the gracious and supportive big sister, was genuinely happy for her [but still hated her a tiny bit] and told her that she wouldn't be stealing my thunder, and to go ahead and get married before the kid was born!

Pregnant and getting married. The two things I wanted most in the world (other than being with the love of my life, blah blah.) And the two things just cruelly wrenched from my grasp. I had a raging jealousy like you would not believe. But I still love my sister and was happy for her. And I love my nephew, and the one that came a few years later (after we were finally married and trying for our own.) And then my other sister's daughter. 

Funny, now, how minor my wedding is in the whole scheme of things that are now important to me. I look at our wedding photos and roll my eyes at how much I cared about it at the time. Don't get me wrong. I loved our special moment, and having a joyous occasion with our families. But I am so glad that we didn't break the bank paying for it, or bankrupt my parents. We figured that after living in sin for 9 years, they shouldn't have to cough up to marry me off anymore. But we gladly took their guilt money! My dad offered me $2,000 to elope. So I just used it for a smaller wedding. And then instead of a rehearsal dinner, DH's family pitched in for reception foods and drinks. (Only glitch: we forgot to actually rehearse. Oops.)

And then 2 years later I finally got pregnant (she was born a week before our 3rd wedding anniversary. Awww!)

But again, it's not like getting what you wanted erases all the jealousy either. 'Cuz then you're jealous that they got it easier than you did. Or that they got more. Or whatever.
And I'm sure a lot of those dudes coveting thy neighbors' wives were already married.


  1. I am having serious baby fever now so any pregnant woman gets my green eyed jealousy. I'm pretty sure I'm not even ovulating, never mind close to getting pregnant. One downfall of breastfeeding a toddler. Gah. I feel you, sistah, I feel you!

  2. I remember when we were trying for #1 and friends got pregnant "without even trying" and I went home and cried. I was happy for them, but I was SO jealous! Conceiving is such a tough thing - you really don't have any control over it, you know? Glad you got your little girl!

  3. You have such a nice writing style. I hope you link up with TRDC more often!!

  4. I can so relate to your post!


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